Lean Criminal Minds

A re-posting from my other blog, The Data Monkey, which is more work orientated. I know that many people are surprised that I am a data person by day and a cat, dressmaking, art person by night. I’m posting this one here as, while it started out being about Lean and six sigma practices, it quickly deteriorates into my usual nonsense and sarcasm. I hope you will enjoy: Lean Criminal Minds « The Data Monkey.

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My employer has a lean policy. Not lean and mean. Just lean.

9 months ago I’d never heard of lean. 6 months ago I still wasn’t quite sure what it was and whether it was useful to me. 3 months ago I started to see a purpose and last week, it finally started to make sense.

For those who haven’t heard of Lean or Six Sigma, it is a philosophy largely born out of the manufacturing industry. While it was only recently that it was given a name, Lean principles have been around for a long time; think Henry Ford and his Model T.

Lean is basically about getting rid of waste; making for a more efficient workflow.

While it now makes sense and I realise that I will be learning more and more about lean over the coming months I’m wondering why I need to make the effort. I want to skip all the hard work; the value stream mapping; the time studies,  the questioning and adopt Lean ‘Criminal Minds‘ style instead. All I need to do is dye my hair blond, acquire a polka dot shirt, some heavy black glasses and develop an annoying American flirtatious attitude and I too can type at light speed and reveal the answer to any question with supreme efficiency. Yes, that’s it! I’m calling the software developers on Monday. I’m done with use cases and data specifications. I want to get the Criminal Minds database. It’s so lean that in less than 30 seconds it seems to be able to answer anything. I’m sure that it was designed by the Great Wizard of Oz himself… oh wait, hold on… the wizard was a fake in the end.

Yet it’s not just Criminal Minds which is has the a database any lean practioner would envy. Indeed the folks on The Mentalist are also pretty savvy with a computer. They manage to cross reference vehicle registrations with the broken toenail register and narrow down their suspect to a 2 square mile radius which always has an abandoned warehouse at its heart. Here too, it seems being the data guru is a female role, in this case a demure red head whose hair is always immaculate and lipstick perfect. While she’s dispensed with the annoying American Flirtatious attitude, she can equally kick butt with her data. You can bet that Grace van Pelt doesn’t have to open 5 excel spreadsheets and count up what she’s looking for. When she has to sift through a paper file somehow all the pages are immaculate; ordered to a tee; and what’s she’s looking for is always available within 8 seconds. I want her database. It’s so fast and lean it’s almost magical.

What do you think my chances are of locating these super lean crime busting databases and convincing their owners to the NEED to part with them? In fact, they don’t just need to part with them, they WANT to as they know releasing these all knowing smokingly fast databases is their civic duty! Sure, they’ll be operated by a somewhat less flirtatious 30 something woman but they’d be helping deaf children, homeless Australians, those with cancer and countless other causes.

So, owners of that Lean Criminal Mind database, give it up now. You know you want to.

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Posted on January 15, 2012, in Waffle and Nonsense and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 13 Comments.

  1. Very good. This made me smile a lot.
    More please!

  2. If I never have to contribute to a Use Case again (and hopefully I won’t), I will die a happy woman. I can understand why you would want to have access to these Criminal Mind databases 😀

  3. Its a set of business requirements documented in a specific way to help software designers create a programme for you (or looking at it from the software designers perspective, to work out exactly what the user is wanting). From Wikipedia, the format is:

    Title: “an active-verb goal phrase that names the goal of the primary actor”[6]
    Primary Actor
    Goal in Context
    Scope
    Level
    Stakeholders and Interests
    Precondition
    Minimal Guarantees
    Success Guarantees
    Trigger
    Main Success Scenario
    Extensions
    Technology & Data Variations List
    Related Information

  4. While the comments are a compleat mystery, I did love the blog 😉

  5. I just checked my work emails. My boss loves jargon, so I waded my way through ‘enhanced’ ’embedded’ ‘value-added’ and her two favourite expressions ‘tease-out’ and ‘unpick’. I feel tired already, but it looked like there was very little to do. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Mind you, there were some acronyms I didn’t understand, so maybe tomorrow i’ll find I should have written a 2,000 word paper…

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