This week, I reached 42 followers. Given 42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything, I felt it was only fitting that I celebrated this milestone. I challenged my readers to submit up to 3 words each. The words could be related or random, it didn’t matter. I would then take those words and use 42 of them in a post. (If I got more than 42 submitted, I’d use the extras as supplementaries, like in the lotto balls!)
So here goes. The 42 words are in bold.
Ezekial the budgie, was a cranky little critter who lived with his grandmother. He was deeply unhappy, indeed, he skulked his way through life. You see his grandmother was a very traditional woman. She loved all things kitsch and had no affinity for the modern world. If it were 1902, Granny Ezekial would fit right in. She imposed her will on the household. The only odd thing about granny was her insistence that the household remain a meatless one.
His grandmother’s old-fashioned ways caused Ezekial to keep secrets. Some of his secrets were so offbeat and unlikely that it was probably a good thing he didn’t share them with the world. If he had, perhaps a padded cell would be his to call home. ‘Like what?’ I hear you ask. Well, he liked his toast slathered in orange marmalade with baba ghanoush. He also had an intense fear of cats on the tops of sheds following a bad childhood experience watching Tennessee Williams’ Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. Yet he had a bigger secret which he kept from his grandmother: Ezekial loved to cross-dress. When his grandmother was asleep, this transgender budgerigar donned flowing gowns, performed a pirouette, flew out the window and danced his little heart out ‘Ginger Rogers’ style. After a night out on the town, he would arrive home chuffed with himself and quickly de-robe on the doorstep so his grandmother was none the wiser.
The only problem with all this was that Ezekial didn’t exactly have the figure to fill our those dresses. All that skulking and moping had led him to become a quite bedraggled budgie. There were times when it was difficult to slip past his grandmother. He became deeply frustrated. Sometimes, weeks would go by without a night on the town; there were no giggles or lascivious ways; just one long drudge through life.
As his grandmother grew older, she became more demanding and escaping became nigh impossible. Ezekial’s thoughts turned to suicide. His appearance worsened. His feather’s didn’t glisten in the morning rain; he wasn’t fluffy, his beak didn’t shine; he became, quite frankly, a pitiful excuse for a budgerigar. So he started searching for a way out of his misery. But how? An overdose, carbon dioxide poisoning, hanging… these were all ubiquitous. So he started researching. Wikipedia told him that autodefenestration was only used by 2% of the population. Perhaps this was it? Then he realised that hurling himself out a window would do little good. He could fly.
Ezekial had become so self-absorbed, so blinkered in his thinking, that his grandmother’s latest habit of staying in bed had gone unnoticed. It took four days before Ezekial realised something was amiss. His grandmother was dead. (Oh, I forgot to mention, he had a lousy sense of smell).
After the funeral, the budgie was almost embarrassed that he didn’t feel forlorn. In fact, he had a new zest for life. No more making up stories about going fishing down the harbour – he threw the rod out when she was not even hours in the ground. So delighted was he, that his appetite returned. Along with his baba ghanoush and marmalade breakfast, he downed salty macaroni, dined on meatballs and almost hoovered up oozy lasagna.
Life was peachy. All this transgender budgie needed now was a partner. Ezekial took to online dating. His first dates weren’t a great success. He dated a dwarf who worked in a toll booth. Unfortunately he had a habit of rudely heckling anyone at the taxi rank.
Finally, he met an orphaned rootbeer drinking moose.
‘Blimey!’ cried Ezekial. I’ve hit the jackpot. No mother-in-law from hell and to top it off, the moose regularly worked out and sported a compact six-pack.
So, as it is so often the way, the transgendered budgie and the moose eloped to Las Vegas, were married by an Elvis impersonator and lived happily ever after.
42 words and the whole thing is an example of anthropomorphism. I is one happy flip.